2. Chesterfield; Ouch!!!; Wit "This man I thought had been a Lord among wits; but, I find, he is only a wit among Lords!" Boswell: Life Link 81. Ouch!!!; Reading Mrs. Montague, a lady distinguished for having written an Essay on Shakspeare, being mentioned; Reynolds: "I think that essay does her honour." Johnson: "Yes, Sir, it does her honour, but it would do nobody else honour. I have indeed, not read it all. But when I take up the end of a web, and find it packthread, I do not expect, by looking further, to find embroidery." Boswell: Life Link 88. Law; Ouch!!! ...much enquiry having been made concerning a gentleman, who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no information being obtained; at last Johnson observed, that 'he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney'. Boswell: Life Link 106. America/Americans; Ouch!!! "Sir, they are a race of convicts, and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging." Boswell: Life Link 107. Dullness; Ouch!!! He attacked Gray, calling him "a dull fellow." Boswell: I understand he was reserved, and might appear dull in company; but surely he was not dull in poetry." Johnson: "Sir, he was dull in company, dull in his closet, dull everywhere. He was dull in a new way, and that made many people think him GREAT. He was a mechanical poet." Boswell: Life Link 108. Ouch!!! Johnson:"...She is like the Amazons of old; she must be courted by the sword. But I have not been severe to her." Boswell: "Yes, Sir, you have made her ridiculous." Johnson: "That was already done, Sir. To endeavour to make her ridiculous, is like blacking the chimney." Boswell: Life Link 110. Ouch!!! I mentioned that Dr. Thomas Campbell had come from Ireland to London, principally to see Dr. Johnson. He seemed angry at this observation. Davies: "Why, you know, Sir, there came a man from Spain to see Livy; and Corelli came to England to see Purcell, and, when he heard he was dead, went directly back to Italy." Johnson: "I should not have wished to be dead, to disappoint Campbell, had he been so foolish as you represent him; but I should have wished to have been a hundred miles off." Boswell: Life Link 115. Acting; Ouch!!! "She no more thought of the play out of which her part was taken, than a shoemaker thinks of the skin, out of which the piece of leather, of which he is making a pair of shoes, is cut." Boswell: Life Link 217. Ouch!!! It having been mentioned, I know not with what truth, that, a certain female political writer, whose doctrines he disliked, had of late become very fond of dress, sat hours together at her toilet, and even put on rouge... Johnson: "She is better employed at her toilet, than using her pen. It is better she should be reddening her own cheeks, than blackening other people's characters." Boswell: Life Link 307. Ouch!!! A dull country magistrate gave Johnson a long tedious account of his exercising his criminal jurisdiction, the result of which was his having sentenced four convicts to transportation. Johnson, in an agony of impatience to get rid of such a companion, exclaimed, "I heartily wish, Sir, that I were a fifth." Boswell: Life Link 308. Argument; Ouch!!! Johnson having argued for some time with a pertinacious gentleman; his opponent, who had talked in a very puzzling manner, happened to say, "I don't understand you, Sir;" upon which Johnson observed, "Sir, I have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding." Boswell: Life Link 327. Animals; Ouch!!! We talked of the Ouran-Outang, and of Lord Monboddo's thinking that he might be taught to speak. Dr. Johnson treated this with ridicule. Mr. Crosbie said, that Lord Monboddo believed the existence of every thing possible; in short, that all which is in posse might be found in esse. Johnson: "But, Sir, it is as possible that the Ouran-Outang does not speak, as that he speaks. However, I shall not contest the point. I should have thought it not possible to find a Monboddo; yet he exists." Boswell: Journal of a Tour to the Hebrides Link 982. Argument; Inconclusiveness; Mediocrity; Ouch!!! Johnson, for sport perhaps, or from the spirit of contradiction, eagerly maintained that Derrick had merit as a writer. Mr. Morgan argued with him directly, in vain. At length he had recourse to this device. "Pray, Sir, (said he,) whether do you reckon Derrick or Smart the best poet?" Johnson at once felt himself rouzed; and answered, "Sir, there is no settling the point of precedency between a louse and a flea." Boswell: Life of Johnson Link 1,053. Ouch!!!; Reading Paradise Lost is one of the books which the reader admires and puts down, and forgets to take up again. None ever wished it longer than it is." Johnson: Milton (Lives of the Poets) Link 1,510. Music; Ouch!! Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. "Difficult do you call it, Sir?" replied the Doctor; "I wish it were impossible." Anecdotes by William Seward, in Johnsonian Miscellanies, edited by G. B. Hill Link 1,512. Dullness; Ouch!! "Why, Sir, Sherry is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, Sir, is not in Nature." Boswell: Life Link 1,573. Ouch!! "Sir, your wife under pretence of keeping a bawdy-house, is a receiver of stolen goods." Boswell: Life of Johnson Note: Technically, since this is reported by Boswell, it's in the canon. However, its attribution has been questioned because a version of it has been found in a joke book that existed before Boswell was born. Some detail: first, Boswell was not there when Johnson is supposed to have said this, he's reporting something he was told. Second, Donald Greene pointed out that Boswell was so desperate for material that he was too accepting of material he was provided (see page 117 "'Tis a Pretty Book, Mr. Boswell, But—", reprinted in "Boswell's Life of Johnson: New Questions, New Answers", edited by John Vance, University of Georgia Press, 1985). On that page, Greene credits E. L. McAdam with having found the retort in the old joke book. Link 1,754. Bustle; Ouch! We all got ready with dispatch. Dr. Johnson was displeased at my bustling, and walking quickly up and down. He said, "It does not hasten us a bit. It is getting on horseback in a ship. All boys do it; and you are longer a boy than others." James Boswell: A Journal of a Tour of the Hebrides Link 1,773. Chesterfield; Ouch! When [Chesterfield's] letters to his natural son were published, [Johnson] observed, that "they teach the morals of a whore, and the manners of a dancing master." Boswell: Life of Johnson Link 1,774. Criticism; Ouch!; Relativity Soon after Edwards's Canons of Criticism came out, Johnson was dining at Tonson the Bookseller's, with Hayman the Painter and some more company. Hayman related to Sir Joshua Reynolds, that the conversation having turned upon Edwards's book, the gentlemen praised it much, and Johnson allowed its merit. But when they went farther, and appeared to put that authour upon a level with Warburton, "Nay, (said Johnson,) he has given him some smart hits to be sure; but there is no proportion between the two men; they must not be named together. A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still." Boswell: Life of Johnson Link